I tried to do my nursing duties.
I tried to wipe your bottom.
I tried to bathe away the stink.
I tried to brush your nasty teeth.
I tried to turn you q2h, like a good little nurse.
But thanks to your heroine/meth/alcohol/opiate addiction you went bat-shit crazy.
And I had to recruit not one, not two, not even three, but seven of my coworkers to literally sit on you to keep you from hitting the ceiling like the scared cat in cartoons.
I got a nice kick to the gut. So did work BFF.
So today you got a flexi-seal placed in your rear.
And a big bottle of room deodorizer.
And your nice ICU specialty bed got set to rotation mode.
And you got a beautiful pair of ankle restraints.
Then I took that thirty minutes or so I had leftover from NOT doing my duties to explain to your family member on the phone that...
1. No, you aren't actually smoking and drinking while in the hospital
2. While we are essentially "drying" you out, we can't actually keep you from going back to your lifestyle once you leave.
Then he was nice enough to clarify that you don't actually drink or smoke or do drugs because you like it. Silly me. You only do it "for you heart to be healthy".
